Dear Straight from the Hearter,

I was on KTLA News in September discussing how to decide if its a good idea to go back to the lure of an old flame or keep looking and moving on. Here's a link to that interview.
I find this to be a very common concern that comes up often in my private practice.

SHOULD I GO BACK TO HIM OR HER?

I must admit that sometimes breaking up can give the relationship the healthy shake up it needs. It can be a new beginning. Like a brush with death, breaking up can breathe new life and love back into a relationship that has lost its luster or that has stalled on the road to deeper commitment. It can act like a heart wake-up call. We realize how much we truly miss and yearn for connection with our partner. We suddenly value them more, and realize how much we really do love them. We may feel a psychic connection and invisible bond with each other. I hear couples say, "Even though we were broken up, I still felt connected to him." "I never stopped loving her." Often a couple wants a second chance to create a happier, more successful relationship. They now believe that they have
more clarity and certainty about their feelings and can work through any problems that arise. They want another opportunity to have that great and enduring relationship that their heart's desire.

I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM….

Being a veteran myself of a break up/makeup/ and yes, unfortunately, break up again scenario, I know first hand about the magical thinking that can fog your ability to see the situation clearly. We may be telling ourselves that "This time it will be different!" "I now know that she/he is my GREAT LOVE, so we'll be able to get through anything." "I've changed and/or my partner has changed...now it will work." On our lure back may be emptiness driven. "It's been 9 months, and I haven't met anyone else that comes close." "I miss her so much it hurts." I have learned the hard way that no matter what your heart or head is telling you, it's critical to remain rational, take it slow, and keep your eyes wide open before jumping back in. I can promise you that the unresolved problems that caused the original break up will rise again, once the hormones settle down and you each return to your comfort zone.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW AND DO BEFORE YOU JUMP IN FULLY….

	HAVE A PLAN OF ACTION It is important to have a "rough waters, this is shaky territory" game plan for how to handle your responses differently. Discuss the problems areas that you had in the past and the needed changes this time around. Having some strategies in place will eliminate some of the shock and disappointment that occurs when you realize not much has magically changed during the time apart.
	COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE Yes, let yourself be known. Many times we go undercover in order to win approval, attention,and love. But then, we never feel completely known or seen. To make it work, you need to have the following agreement: No secrets. No masks. I am really ME. You are really YOU. Speak YOUR truth. No lies, no games.
	I WON'T BAIL ON YOU There has to be a firm commitment to stay together while you are making new and permanent changes. Create an 'I won't bail on you" love contract that declares your willingness to hang in there and hold hands when the inevitable problems, fears and regressions arise.
	WAIT BEFORE YOU MATE This is a second chance for love. Take it slow. Give yourself the time to learn about each other anew and see each other with fresh eyes. Date for awhile. Build trust. Be gentle and nurturing with yourself and your partner. Notice how safe it feels to really be you. Are your needs being met? How loved and accepted do you each feel?
	WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE Getting back together must be mutual regarding goals and direction. i.e. If one person wants to get married and the other doesn't, this will be a problem once the 'urge to merge' hormones and/or drive to end the loneliness calm down. Don't reunite before you are sure it's the right time and a mutual commitment of goals is agreed upon.
	BE A TEAM PLAYER Are you really on the same bench playing for the same team? Can you give up 'being right' in favor of being together? Do you both hold the WE as important as the I? Are you a team player or do you need to be the quarterback in order to feel safe?

 

 

THIS MAY BE AN OPPORTUNITY TO REWRITE YOUR OLD RELATIONSHIP SCRIPT…

Nothing pushes our buttons more than a deep, intimate relationship. Our relationship is the greatest teacher for learning about ourselves and our buttons. Whatever your partner is stimulating in you that is painful or uncomfortable is a wound in YOU that needs healing. Returning to a past relationship, may help you complete something that was left undone. While it could be a brand new beginning, it might also be a way to finally complete and really move on once and for all.

ARE YOU REALLY READY TO HOLD HANDS AND NOT GRUDGES?

Ask yourself and be honest! Can you leave the past grudges behind? Are you willing to learn to new skills to really make the relationship work? Are you willing to compromise? Are you on the same team? Can you hold on tight and not bail through the needed changes?

 

RED FLAGS THAT SAY NO, NO, NO!

So here's the final test. Make sure you can answer NO to the following doomed defects.

	ONE OF YOU DOESN'T FEEL READY OR IS UNSURE ABOUT BEING IN A FULL TIME RELATIONSHIP. You may be hot to trot knowing that this is your beloved. But, if your partner is unsure or is being pulled in by your enthusiam, it will peter out fast.
	YOU HOLD A GRUDGE AND WANT TO GET EVEN You can't help it. You want to get together BUT you feel that you can never forgive the fact that he cheated on you. Or, she broke up with you and really hurt you so this time you won't let her get so close. If you want revenge, just keep moving on.
	YOU FEEL DESPARATE AND EMPTY WITHOUT YOUR PARTNER Life just hasn't been the same since you broke up. You feel lonely and no one you've met has been able to fill the gap. You feel like something is missing that only your partner could fill. You are hurting. You are waiting to plan that great vacation or get tickets to your favorite play until you have someone you love to go with. Your life is on hold until you are in love again.
	ONE OF YOU IS UNWILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR PART IN THE FAILURE OF THE RELATIONSHIP After all, it's all your partner's fault. If they change, it will all work out and be okay. The failure of the past relationship was because of his/her problems, not yours. You see yourself as easygoing and they are the one with the problems.
	YOU ARE STILL FIGHTING OR ENGAGING IN POWER STRUGGLES Everything ends up in a struggle. If you say red, she says blue. There's a lot of blame and shame. You and/or your partner are headstrong and controlling and want it YOUR way. One of you walks in fear of displeasing your partner. Peace comes when your partner finally hears you and sees it your way (or vice versa).
	YOU ARE NOT BEING REAL AND AUTHENTIC You are walking on tiptoes, holding back, being what you think your partner wants you to be.You still don't really accept each other as you are. One of you lies a lot.
	NOTHING HAS REALLY CHANGED You keep pushing the same old buttons and there is no plan of action for change. He or she promises to change, but you don't see any evidence of it. One or both of you are in magical thinking that somehow miraculously it will all work out and there is nothing to discuss or work on.

 

" THERE IS NO LOVER WORTH THE NAME WHO IS NOT COVERED IN MINOR SCARS"
Leo Buscaglia

The truth is that no matter what you read, what your friends say, what advice you get, or what your head tells you, if your heart strongly pulls you back, you'll probably go. The willingness to return to love again, choosing love over fear, is a worthy journey no matter how the relationship ultimately ends up. This could be your forever love or it could be the necessary completion you need to fully move on.

I hate to tell you this but no person or relationship is problem free. When problems do occur, it is important to remember, that you are in part responsible for them. To successfully overcome your conflicts, you have to become less reactive and more willing to look at the situation through eyes of love. The real strength and cohesion between you is often revealed in how you deal with problems and frustrations that arise. I like the adage that 'love builds the best suvivors.' Adversity requires action. Instead of saying, "why me?" or "what's wrong with you?", the best question to ask is "what now?". Loving actions brings caring solutions. For the known button-pushing problems that occur between the two of you, create a plan of action ahead of time.

If you truly want to repair, restore and rejuvenate your relationship with your former partner, you have to release and resolve the negative feelings and come to a place of forgiveness and understanding with yourself and each other. As your barriers melt and a renewed sense of safety and relief replaces hurt, your heart is set free to truly love again.

I wish you love.

Sheri